Love You First
Something happened in between my workout and my “reward massage”. I was lying back in the massage chair listening to Johnathon McReynold’s “Pressure” and the lyrics took complete control. First, let me tell you about the conversation my husband and I had the night prior. We were talking about things that we like and dislike about ourselves. It was something that we had been doing for about two weeks since I was finally “learning” about myself. I asked my husband why is it that I have so many ideas about what I want to do daily but never try to do it? Why are they just mere thoughts in my head, and I never execute them? Is it because I am just that lazy? I mean these are the questions that I was asking him. He had a few good answers for me, but nothing really settled in me to be the right answer. That night I went to sleep with that on my mind. I just wanted to figure out why there isn’t any motivation in me that causes me to put those things that lark around in my head into action. My mind was so engulfed in this conversation that I stayed up almost the entire night thinking about it.
Finally, I said to myself if there is an answer for these questions God would surely be the one to give them to me. At that point, it was after four o’clock in the morning. I decided that I would just take a nap since I had planned to be at the gym at seven. When six thirty came, I rolled over and didn’t want to get out of the bed what so ever. I started with the thoughts in my mind say “okay, I’ll go a little later” or “maybe I shouldn’t go today”. Those were different thoughts than what Marcus and I had been talking about, but I was familiar with the procrastination spirit as well. However, as I laid there I heard the spirit of God say to me, “Who and What are you committed to?” I made this face like I was confused.
The spirit of God continued to inform me that I couldn’t be committed to anyone, not even my own husband if I couldn’t commit to myself. I have to admit that I felt some kind of way because for the longest I thought I was committed to myself. I thought that since I had gone through the process of deliverance from things that hurt me, like my past, and began to move on that I was committed to myself. Obviously not; I still had some work to do.
Most people have an assumption that if we get over the past then we are okay to just live (or should I say exist) in the present hoping for a better future, but that is not the case. There are layers to the healing process, and learning how to be committed to you is a big part of that process. As I continued to stay in the bed, I began to dissect what it truly meant to be committed to myself. I came up with so many ways that would show that I was committed to myself. I looked at how I successfully published my first book, learned how to market, how I was able to forgive those that hurt me in my life; all kinds of things, but I was leaving out a few things that I didn’t realize where the main factors. I would soon find those out.
After lying in the bed for almost another thirty minutes, I jumped up and got ready for the gym. I thought to myself, “Yes, I am committed to myself. I am getting up and going to this gym to become a healthy me, so I have to be committed to myself.” It was at that moment that I realized that it is very important for me to be committed to myself because I am not going to be committed anyone else if I’m not. I am no good to ministry, my family and nothing else if I don’t get my health in order and be committed to the life style change that comes with that. Now, I have myself in full motivation mode. I am dressed and out of the house without even waking up my husband. I noticed then that the saying is true: The hardest part is getting out the bed.
The work out was good. I pushed like I had never pushed before. I did things that I didn’t even think I was capable of doing. The routine was hard, but I made it thought. By the end, I deserve the massage that I was going to get, and I couldn’t wait. I sat in the chair and put on “No Shades” by Johnathon McReynolds. The lyrics talks about how we want to serve God and do what we want to do at the same time. It expresses that there is no “in between” when it comes to serving God. As I listened to the song, I began to feel that it was my time to be totally free and committed to God. It is my time to serve and love God with my whole heart and to totally commit myself to the things of God. Not saying that I walk outside of the word and the will of God, but there was something missing in my building of commitment. As I reflected and cried, it hit me like a ton of builds.
“To be committed to yourself you have to love yourself”
I heard that plain as day and tears began to roll down my face non-stop. Then I looked at the fact that I felt a new level of commitment when I got up and made my way to the gym that morning. Wait!! Can I connect the two to say that now I know that I am committed to myself means that I also love myself?
Tear streamed even harder when that revelation came along. I have never been able to say that I truly love myself. I remember on countless occasions when people have asked me if I loved myself, and I would skate around the question. I never wanted to answer that question because I never wanted to tell a lie. I cared, but did I love myself? The answer would have been no, not before that day.
Checking back over the weeks prior, I saw the pattern of me being dedicated to going to the gym, learning healthier ways of eating, and taking my lifestyle change seriously. So, yes, I was committed to myself because I love myself. I told myself that for the remainder of the day. It felt like I sat at that gym and a heavy burden was lifted. I didn’t see things the same way. Now, I could release what remnants of emotional eating I had left. Loving myself enough to put these tips and steps into action released me from eating emotionally.
Nothing would allow me to just consume food knowing that 1) if was bad for me, and 2) I wasn’t really hungry. I can no longer fill my temple (my body) up with things that weren’t health based off what my flesh was feeling.
I know that I have given you the natural side of how to deal with emotional eating, but there is a more important side that can help you deal with it even further; the spiritual side.
Matthew 26:41 - Watch and pray, that you enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.
can help you deal with it even further; the spiritual side.
Matthew 26:41 - Watch and pray, that you enter not into temptation: the spirit indeed is willing, but the flesh is weak.